Bert Christensen's
Truth & Humour Collection

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Alvin Toffler: Because the chicken was suffering from future shock.(Barbara Llorente)
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take
John Locke: Because it was exercising its natural right to liberty.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image . . of the chicken crossing the road...
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an Herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapiens pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
John F. Kennedy Er ist ein Roadcrosser 
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
The Bible: God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
Oliver Stone It was a government conspiracy. 
(Barbara Llorente)
Sirs William Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan: To verify through measurement and research explorational, Asserted widths and properties of highways transportational. And thus through brain and intellect did prove itself, this animal, To be the very model of a modern chicken-general.
E.O. Wilson: Under the influence of a road-crossing gene, selected because it conferred a survival advantage in the chicken's ancestral line. We could conjecture, for example, that crossing roads represents the transfer of a behavioral trait whereby some chickens sought to distance themselves from rivals, thereby distinguishing them in the eyes of potential mates and increasing their reproductive potential.
Sir Edmund Hillary: Because it was there.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that!
Sigmund Freud: As an expression of the repressed desire to have sex with its mother. The road symbolizes the barrier presented by the cultural taboo.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Johnny Cochran: The chicken didn't cross the road. Some chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right under the chicken's feet while he was practicing his golf swing and thinking about his family.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
John Wayne: 'Cause a chicken's gotta do what a chicken's gotta do.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. This isn't about roads and chickens. I don't think you quite understand that what you believe I may have meant isn't what you think I said.
F. Lee Bailey: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time and who did we overlook in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet xplorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra... #@&&;^( C \ .... Reboot.
Bill Clinton: I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with that chicken!
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Perry Mason I don't know, but I intend to find out. Della, get Paul on the phone for me. (Becca Love)
Marlin Perkins While Jim wrestles the chicken across the road I'll be taking a nap here in the tent. (Blackbeard)
Stevie Wonder Chicken, what chicken? (Becca Love)
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Aristotle: Because one chicken cannot be more chicken than another.
Nietzsche: The chicken crossed the road, but it will take time for the consequences of the chicken's actions to be felt by the common chicken.(Barbara Llorente)
Jean Chrétien Da chicken crossed da road because 'e 'ad da plan. (Bert Christensen)
Former President George Bush To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
Current President George W. Bush It will be a long crossing that is for sure, and we ask all pedestrians and automobiles for their patience as it crosses the road. But make no mistake about it, it WILL cross the road! It will prevail!
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
The Jihad: The chicken crossed the road hoping for martyrdom.(Barbara Llorente)
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Adolph Hitler: To purify the chicken race.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did she cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road.
But why she crossed, I've not been told!
O.J. Simpson It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Osama bin Laden To strike at the heart of the infidels. Praise be to Allah! (Jaco Strauss)
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. (A male chicken???)
Buddha: Therefore, on the road there is no chicken, no road, nor perception of the road, nor impulse to cross it, nor consciousness of the road, no feathers, no beak, no clawed feet, no chicken. No road no chicken no crossing... only the great prajnaparamita of the empty form of chicken and the empty form of the road, and that emptiness; gone, gone, gone beyond, gone altogether beyond. "But, O Buddha," said Sariputta, "what is that crossing the road before us at this moment?" And the great One replied,"A chicken, Sariputta." "But why, O great One, does it cross the road?" "To get to the other side, Sariputta." Om.
Arthur O. Andersen Consultant:  Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. 

But, we will never know because the chicken was shredded before it reached the other side.

Miss Teen South Carolina: I personally believe that, the chicken crossed the road, because chickens out there, in our nation, don't have roads, and our education, like that with chickens, hens, roosters, and everyone such as, and I believe that chickens over here should help chickens, er, should cross the roads, and the streets, and the highways, so we can build up our future.., for the chickens.
from David Firestone
OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.