Bert Christensen's
Truth & Humour Collection
Ex Libris

Words that don't appear in the dictionary, but should.

110 At The Equator (won' ten at the ek way' tawr) - n. Any burning sensation experienced directly below the navel when putting on a pair of jeans straight from the dryer.
Accordionated (ah kor' de on ay tid) - adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

Adam 69: n. : Two police cars, parked next to each other, facing opposite directions, in such a way that the drivers side doors are only inches from each other, allowing the officers to chat with each other while waiting for a traffic violation to happen.

Advocable - something that is capable of being advocated

Aeroma (ayr oh' ma) - n. The odor emanating from an exercise room after an aerobics workout.

Aeropalmics (ayr o palm' iks) - n. The study of wind resistance conducted by holding a cupped hand out the car window.

Agonosis (ah uh no' sis) - n. The syndrome of tuning into "Wide World of Sports" every Saturday just to watch the skier rack himself.

Airdirt (ayr' dirt) - n. A hanging plant that's been ignored for three weeks or more.

ambivilane - the striped area by an exit ramp where people often pull off when trying to decide "Is this my exit?"

Anaception (an a sep' shun) - n. The body's ability to actually affect television reception by moving about the room.

Animalanche: When you kick your stuffed animals in your sleep and they
fall all over you or the floor. (from Kaffit, age 9)

Anticiparcellate (an ti si par' sel ate) - v. Waiting until the mailman is several houses down the street before picking up the mail, so as not too appear too anxious.

Antiposhoctogeneriandefenesterationarionism - the policy of not pushing classy 80 year old people out the window!

Aquadextrous - adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Aqualibrium (ak wa lib' re um) - n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

Arachnidiot (ar ak ni' di ot) - n. A person, who, having wandered into an "invisible" spider web, begins gyrating and flailing about wildly.

Askhole ó someone who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told him. (C) The Tiger Lillies, April 3, 2017, on Facebook

Attrinyl (a try' nil) - n. (chemical symbol: At) A black, bulletproof, totally inflexible type of plastic, used primarily in covers of pay phone directories.

B+ Stampede (bee' plus stam peed) - n. The attempt by half the classroom to claim the paper with no name on it.

Backspackle (bak' spak uhl) - n. Markings on the back of one's shirt from riding a fenderless bicycle.

Badana - The banana peel.

Baldage (bald' aj) - n. The accumulation of hair in the drain after showering.

Bargue (bar' gyoo) - v. To whine, fuss, and complain a great deal while at the same time trying to get someone to see your point of view. Ex: The young child bargued with his father until his father gave in and let him stay up past his bedtime.

Bazookacidal Tendencies (bah zew' kuh sy dal ten' den seez) - n. The overwhelming desire of most individuals to reach out and pop the gigantic gum bubble billowing from someone's mouth.

Beavo (bee' vo) - n. A pencil with teeth marks all over it.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Begathon - n. A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials.

Bevemeter - The distance a coaster will stick to the bottom of a wet glass before falling to the table.

Bimp (bimp) - n. A blurry or "double-edged" felt-tip marker

Bixplex (biks' pleks) - n. Psychological block in which a person cannot choose which color of disposable lighter to purchase.

Bleemus (blee' mus) - n. The disgusting film on the top of soups and cocoa that sit out for too long.

Blithwapping - v. Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.

Blivett (blih' vit) - v. To turn one's pillow over and over, looking for the cool spot.

Blooage (blew' ij) - n. The residue left on fingers after using an S.O.S pad.

Blossor - n. The hair style one has after removing a baseball cap.

Blurfle (bler' ful) - v. To be caught talking at the top of one's lungs when the music at the bar or disco suddenly stops.

Bomca (bahm' ka) - n. A lubricant derived from the salivary gland used for turning book pages.

Banono - The act of throwing a banana peel on the ground, were someone could slip on it.

Boomerangst : The unrelieved dissatisfaction of those born during the Baby Boomer era, wherein the situation they brought upon themselves and others - no matter how hard they attempt to rid themselves of it - comes back to smack them in the ass. Hard.

Bovilexia (bo vil eks' e uh) - n. The uncontrollable urge to lean out the car window and yell "Moo!" every time you pass a cow.

Bowlikinetics (boh lih kih neh' tiks) - n. The act of trying to control a released bowling ball by twisting one's body in the direction one wants it to go.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Brakenoia  (Brak e noia) (v) The act or urge of stepping on the brake on the passenger side of the car

Brattled (brat' uld) - adj. The unsettling feeling, at a stoplight, that the busload of kids that just pulled up beside you is making fun of you.

Brazel (brah' zul) - n. The scratch plate on a matchbook.

Brimplet (brim' plit) - n. A frayed shoelace that must be moistened to pass through a shoe eyelet.

Brumby - n. The fake antique plastic seal on a pretentious whiskey bottle.

Buffle - n.  The Butter trapped in a squaffle of a waffle

Bugpedal (bug' ped uhl) - v. To accelerate or decelerate rapidly in an attempt to remove a clinging insect from a car's windshield.

Bumperglints (bump' ur glintz) - n. The small reflective obstacles in the middle of interstate highways which supposedly keep drivers awake and on track.

Burbulation - n. The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.

Burgacide - n. What you call the desperate action of a hamburger leaping to its death through the holes in the Bar-B-Q grill.

Bursploot (ber' sploot) - v. To position one's thumb at the end of a garden hose to increase the pressure.

Busblender (bus' blend dur) - n. The device at the front of the bus that tosses your fare around for a while, then swallows it.

Cabnicreep (kab' nih kreep) - n. The structural condition in which the closing of one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.

Caffidget (ka fij' it) - v. To break up a Styrofoam coffee cup into several hundred pieces after consuming its contents.

Carbonicles-the tiny drops of soda thrown into the air above your glass
after you pour it

Carcreak - n. Those crackling, tinkling, creaky noises your car makes after you park and turn it off.

Careena (ka reen' uh) - n. Any mangled or missing piece of highway guard rail.

Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun) - n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

carpident (car- pi- dent) - the depression left in carpet after a piece of furniture has sat there for a while

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Cellaphore: The act of waving your cell above your head to get a better signal.

Cell shock: The feeling you get when you realize you've left your cell phone at home.

Cereoallocative (ser r o al' o ka tuv) - adj. Describes the ability of a seasoned breakfast eater to establish a perfect cereal/banana ratio, assuring there will be at least one slice of banana left for the final spoonful of cereal.

Chalktrauma (chawk' traw ma) - n. The body's reaction to someone running his fingernails down a chalkboard.

Charp (charp) - n. The green, mutant potato chip found in every bag.

Cheedle (chee' dul) - n. The residue left on one's fingertips after consuming a bag of Cheetos.

Cheeriomagnetism - the quality of cereal that causes the last five Cheerios in the bowl to clump together.

Chiclexodus (Chick-ul-EXodus) The act of a gumball falling from the gumball machine onto the floor after a coin is inserted and the knob turned, while one forgets to place his hand under the little door.

Chipfault (chip' fawlt) - n. The stress point on a potato chip where it breaks off and stays behind in the dip.

Choconiverous - adj. Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.

Chwads (chwadz) - n. The small, disgusting wads of chewed gum commonly found beneath table and counter tops.

Cigadent (sig' a dent) - n. Any accident involving a cigarette: for instance when it sticks to your lips while your fingers slide off and get burned.

Cinemuck - n. The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters.

Circuloin Technique (sur' kew loyn tek neek') - n. The popular approach to steak dining in which one eats around the edges first, then works his way toward the middle.

Circumpopulate (sur kum pop' yew layt') - v. To finish off a Popsicle "laterally" because the "frontal" approach causes one to gag.

Citiot -- city+idiot =  people from the city that weekend in rural areas and think they own the whole place and do dumb things that us normal folk know better. 

Cleanundrum (clean-un-drum) The act of cleaning up a room or closet and then not being able to find something that you knew where it was before you decided to clean

Clunes - n., pl. People who just won't go.

Combiloops (kom' bih lewps) - n. The two or three unsuccessful passes before finally opening a combination locker.

Conagraphs (kohn' a grafs) - n. The raised relief squares on an ice cream cone.

The Cranial Stomp (the kray' nee uhl stomp) - n. A somewhat primitive dance performed by youngsters trying to step on the heads of their shadows.

Crayolla (kray oh' lee uh) - n. The area on the refrigerator where kindergarten drawings are displayed.

Creedles (kre' dulz) - n. The colony of microscopic indentations on a golf ball.

Crimeanitly - The unexplained craziness of politics, society, drivers, mates, children, etc.

Crinks (krinks) - n. Crevices and junctions where car wax gets in but doesn't get out.

Crummox (noun): The amount of cereal leftover in the box that is too little to eat and too much to throw away

Crutsoglio- n. the crusty, dried concoction on the tip of a lotion dispenser

Cubelo (kyew' beh lo) - n. The one cube left by the person too lazy to refill the ice tray.

Cushup (kush' up) - v. To sit down on a couch somehow causing the cushion next to you to rise.

Darf (darf) - n. The least attractive side of a Christmas tree that ends up facing the wall.

Decaflon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Deodorend - n. The last 1/2 inch of stick deodorant that won't turn up out of the tube, and thus cannot be used without inducing lacerations.

Destinesia (des tin e sha) n.  When you go somewhere, then upon arrival, forget why you went there.

Detruncus (de trunk' us) - n. The embarrassing phenomenon of losing one's bathing shorts while diving into a swimming pool.

Digitritus (dij ih tree' tus) - n. Deposits found between the links of a watchband.

Dillrelict (dil rel' ikt) - n. The last pickle in the jar that avoids all attempts to be captured.

Dipwavers (dip' way vurz) - n. People who raise their hands when riding on roller coasters.

Discolexic - a person who likes music by the "Gee Bees"

Doork (dawrk) - n. A person who always pushes on a door marked "pull" or vice versa.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Droot (drewt) - n. A Dorito with an unnatural fold in it.

Dunkinhackin- v.  The violent coughing attack caused by inhaling the dust on a powdered donut.

E-bage (ee' bage) n. - : An addiction to electronic devices.

Eddihate - v. To turn off the stereo or television set when a Crazy Eddie commercial appears.

Efforex - n., v. Substitute.

Eiffelites (eye' ful eyetz) - n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

Ejoculation - n.The way a man's eyes behave when a man stares wildly at something of his interest (e.g. car, woman).  

Elbonics - n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Ellacelleration: The mistaken belief that repeatedly pressing the elevator button will make it go faster

Elmerdermis (el mur durm' is) - n. The white sheath that surrounds the nozzle of a glue dispenser.

Erdu (uhr' dew) - n. The leftover accumulation of rubber particles after erasing a mistake on a test paper.

Essoasso - n. any person who drives through a corner gas station to avoid stopping at the intersection.

Eufirstics (yew fur' stiks) - n. Two people waiting on the phone for the other to hang up first.

Exaspirin (eks as' prin) - n. Any bottle of pain reliever with an impossible-to-remove cotton wad at the top.

Execuglide (eks ek' yew glyd)- v. To propel oneself about an office without getting up from the chair.

Expresshole-n. A person who goes through the grocery store's 12-item express lane with 22 items.

Facon - n. The fake bacon bits served at cheap salad bars

Famamage (fa mam' aj) - v. To eliminate any annoying engine noise by simply turning up the volume of the radio.

Fenderberg - n. The large glacial deposits that form on the insides of car fenders during snowstorms.

Ferroles (fer' olz) - n. The holes in the bottom of a steam iron.

Fetchplex (fech' pleks) - n. State of momentary confusion in a dog whose owner has faked throwing the ball and palmed it behind his back.

Fictate (fik' tayt) - v. To inform a television or screen character of impending danger under the assumption they can hear you.

Finnage (fin' aj) - n. The act of watching your money swallowed up as your groceries ride the conveyor belt at the supermarket.

Flabalanche   What happens when a fat guy loosens his belt

Flammabyte - n. That ever changing address in memory which always causes programs to blow up.

Flannister - n. The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.

Flarpswitch (flarp' switch) - n. The one light switch in every house with no function whatsoever.

Flen (flen) - n. (chemical symbol: Fl) The black crusty residue that accumulates on the necks of old catsup bottles.

Flimps (flimps) - n. People (usually observed in waiting rooms) who have advanced the Evelyn Wood technique to the point where they can flip through a magazine without ever looking down from the clock.

Flintstep (flint' step) - v. To wind up one's feet before running away in fear. Common among cartoon characters.

Floles (flolz) - n. The extra (fourth and fifth) holes in notebook paper. Created in the hopes that one day mankind will perfect a "five ring binder".

Flopcorn (flop' korn) - n. The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker.

Flosstitution V. Using anything other than the waxed string product , i.e matchbook covers, etc. to clean between your teeth.

Flotion (flo' shun) - n. The tendency when sharing a waterbed to undulate for five minutes every time the other person moves.

Flotta Factor (flah' ta fak' tur) - n. The proven scientific fact that at a self-service pump, the last ten cents take longer to reach the tank than the first twelve dollars' worth.

Flurrant (fluhr' uhnt) - n. The one leaf that always clings to the end of the rake.

Fods (fahdz) - n. Couples at amusement parks who wear identical T-shirts, presumably to keep from getting lost.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Foys (foyz) - n. Missing pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that you later find stuck to the underside of your arm.

Frankfluid (frank flew' id) - n. The liquid at the bottom of hot dog packages.

Fraznit (frahs' nit) - n. Any string hanging from an article of clothing which when pulled causes the article to completely unravel.

fridgescum (fridge-scum): the gooey mess on the shelf in the refridgerator that holds the condiments.

Fridgedalien....Anything stored in the refrigerator that is not a food product. i.e. Photography film, batteries, etc.

Frust (n): The line of dust that accumulates when sweeping dust into a dust pan and frustratingly backs you up because you can never get it into the pan.

Frustra (frus' trah) - n. The special plastic used in the manufacture of fast-food ketchup packets.

Fuffle (fuh' ful) - v. To assume, when dining out, that you are making things easier on the waitress by using the phrase "when you get a chance..."

Furbling - v. Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.

Furbula (fer' byew luh) - n. The designated chewing area on a dog's back.

Furterus Zone (fer ter' us zohn) - n. The empty stretches of bun on either end of a hot dog.

Gapiana (ga pee ah' nah) - n. The unclaimed strip of land between the "you are now leaving" and "welcome to" signs when crossing state lines.

Gazinta (gah zin' tuh) - n. Mathematical symbol for division; also the sound uttered when dividing out loud. (Example: "Four gazinta eight twice.") (ed. note: this one came from Leigh in Australia. As a Canadian I would say "Gozinta)

Genderplex - n. The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises).

Gertatious (gur tay' shus) - adj. Having the adolescent fear that hanging one's arm over the bed at night will mean being dragged under.

Gibble (jib' buhl) - n. The sliding keyhole cover on a car trunk.

Gimplexus (gim plek' sis) - n. Rear area of thighs, which must be peeled from car seat on hot summer days.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Gizzledipplers (gih' zul dip lurz) - n. Those annoying waving hands seen on the back of Winnebagos (placed there by people too lazy to be friendly on their own).

Glackett (glak' it) - n. The noisy ball inside a spray-paint can.

Gladhandling (glad' han dling) - n. To attempt, with frustrating results, to find and separate the ends of a plastic sandwich or trash bag.

Glamp (glamp) - n. The telescopic device used to retrieve golf balls from ponds.

glassable - n. anything that a parent tells a child not to go near because it can be broken (especially something made of glass)

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Gleemites - n. Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.

Gleemule (glee' mule) - n. (a unit of measure) One unit of toothpaste, measured from bristle to bristle. (Not to be confused with GLEEMITES, which are petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.)

Grackles (grak' elz) - n. The wrinkles that appear on the body after staying in water too long.

Grainy (gray' nee) adj. - : A gray (overcast) and rainy day.

Grantnap (grant' nap) - n. The extra five minutes of sleep you allow yourself that somehow makes all the difference in the world.

Greelite (gree' lite) - n. The eerie glow that emanates from beneath escalator steps.

Grintiger (grin' tuh jer) - n. The numbered code on the back of a greeting card that, when deciphered, reveals the price.

Gription (grip' shun) - n. The sound of sneakers squeaking against the floor during basketball games.

Grisknob (grisd' nahb) - n. The end of a chicken drumstick which always gives the appearance of having more chicken on it.

Gromaxes (grom' ack sis) - n. Inside area of knees used to grip steering wheel when holding a map.

Gummerator (gum' uhr ay ter) - n. The pointed rubber object on the end of some toothbrushes.

Gurmlish - n. The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.

Gurple (gur' pul) n. - : A gray-ish purple color.

Gweek - n. A coat hanger recycled as a car aerial.

Gyroped (jy'roh ped) - n. A kid who cannot resist spinning around on a diner stool.

Hacula (hak' yew luh) - n. The last few inches of tape measure or lawn mower cord that refuses to rewind automatically.

Hangle (hang' ul) - n. A cluster of coat hangers.

Hangnibble: to chew one tiny bit of hangnail, usually resulting in a prodigious amount of blood loss.

Hempennant (hem' pen ent) - n. Any coattail, cuff, or dress hem dangling outside the door of a moving vehicle.

Hoaraxiomist - n. A Person who reasons about the meaning of programs.

Hozone (ho' zohn) - n. The place where one sock in every laundry load disappears to.

Hudnut (hud' nuht) - n. The leftover bolt or screw in any "some assembly required" project.

Hydralation (hi dra lay' shun) - n. Acclimating oneself to a cold swimming pool by bodily regions: toe-to-knee, knee-to-waist, waist-to-elbow, elbow-to-neck.

Hystioblogination (his' te o blahg in ay' shun) - n. The act of trying to identify a gift by holding it to your ear and shaking it.

Icision (ih sih' zhun) - n. Delicate operation performed on Neapolitan-flavored ice cream in which one entire flavor is precisely and systematically removed.

Idiolocator n.- The symbol on a mall or amusement park map representing "You Are Here"

Idiomit - A person who obliterates the correct phrasing of an idiom.

Idiot Box - n. The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

ienvy (i-envy): the jealousy a person with a normal cell phone has when his friend or partner is on their iphone.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Inkslick (ink' slik) - n. A greasy spot on a piece of stationery or test paper.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Irant (eye' rant) - n. A seamless pistachio; a pistachio nut afraid to come out in public.

itard (i-tard): somone who is using an iphone and has no idea how to operate the device.

JB point- (J B/ just because- poynt' ) - n. The point at which the parent of a child within the midst of a pediquerey is pushed to shout "Just because!" or, "Because God made it that way!"

Jiffylust (ji' phee lust) - n. The inability to be the first person to carve into a brand-new beautiful jar of peanut butter.

Joes of Arc (johz' uhv ark) - n. Tiny drops of Mr. Coffee that die on the burner after the pot is removed.

Jukejitters (jook' jit erz) - n. Fear that everyone thinks that you picked the awful tune emanating from the jukebox when it was actually the person before you.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Kawashock (kah wah shahk') - n. Pulling into the last remaining parking spot only to discover a motorcycle there.

Kedophobia (ked oh fo' be uh) - n. The fear of having one's sneakers eaten by the teeth on the escalator.

Kernelkling (kur nuhl' kling) - n. The shell of a kernel in a bowl or bag of popcorn that seems spot-welded to the roof of one's mouth, and cannot be removed without the making of cat-like hissing noises in an attemp to lessen the suction of said kernel

Keyfruit (kee' froot) - n. The one apple, pear, or tomato in the stand that, when removed, causes all the others to tumble forward.

Kleenext- that magical property that makes the next tissue appear from the box

Knuck (nuk) - n. Ice cream collected on the back of the hand when scraping the last portions from the box.

Krogling (kroh' gling) - n. The nibbling of small items of fruit and produce at the supermarket, which the customer considers "free sampling" and the owner considers "shoplifting".

Krogt - n. The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.

Lactomangulation - n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.

Laminites (lam' in itz) - n. Those strange people who show up in the photo section of brand-new wallets.

Limalope (ly' muh lohp) - n. The disgusting foreskin on a lima bean.

Linenee (lih nen ee') - n. The member of a two-person folding team at the laundromat who takes the sheet and completes the fold.

Lodgecombing (loj' coh ming) - n. Final reconnaissance before vacating a motel room.

Loggium (log' yum) - n. Water that drips from one's nose hours after swimming.

Lorp (lawrp) - n. The part of the shoe that collapses when you try to pull it on without a shoehorn.

Lotshock (laht' shahk) - n. The act of parking your car, walking away, and then watching it roll past you.

Lub (lub) - n. The small deposit of spinach that lodges itself between one's teeth.

Luposlipaphobia - n. The fear of being pursued by timber wolves around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly waxed floor.

Maggit (mag' it) - n. Any of the hundreds of subscription cards that fall from the pages of a magazine. (pl. MAGGREGATE)

Magnocartic - n. Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.

Malibugaloo (mal ih boo' guh lew) - n. A dance that affects barefoot beachgoers on hot summer days.

Manillium (mah nil' ee yum) - n. The lifespan of the clasp on a manila envelope before it breaks off and dies.

Marp (marp) - n. The impossible-to-find beginning of a roll of cellophane tape.

Mastacambulistophile - n. Someone who walks while eating, as from the local coffee and donut stand back to his office.

Mattrescotting (mat' res kot ing) - n. The pattern of gray and white lines on an institutional mattress.

Maypop (may' pop) - n. A bald tire.

Maytag-netic Field- the mysterious force that causes dryer lint to stick to itself when someone cleans the lint filter.

Memnents -n The small broken pieces at the bottom of an M&M bag

Methylphobia (meth il fo' be uh) - n. The fear that you are going to have to pay for the one cent you over-pumped at the self-service station.

Microtrek (my' kro trek) - n. Any nervous trip to the microwave oven to make sure the food hasn't incinerated.

Microts (my' krotz) - n. The two thumbnail-sized pieces you end up with when trying to remove a paper towel in a public washroom.

Mimoids (mim' oydz) - n. People addicted to the smell of newly mimeographed test papers.

Mittsquinter - n. A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.

M&Nyms - n. Any candy made alot like M&Ms, but different, i.e., Skittles or Reese's Pieces. (sent by Brian Marsh)

Mopeeps (moh' peeps) - n. People compelled to look through the curtain opening of your motel room as they pass by.

Mophenes (mo' feenz) - n. The semi-truck headlights that invade your motel room at three in the morning.

Motspur (mot' sper) - n. The pesky fourth wheel on a shopping cart that refuses to cooperate with the other three.

Mowmuffins (mo' muh finz) - n. The dried accumulation of grass on the underside of lawn mowers.

Mozzalastics (maht suh las' tiks) - n. Large deposits of cheese that stick to the top of the pizza box.

Multipochoholes (mul ti po' cho holz) - n. Wounds left in the test papers from overerasing.

Mummabolic chorus (mum uh bah' lik ko' rus) - n. When three or more people are singing along to a tune and suddenly discover they are all faking their way through the unintelligible lyrics.

Mumphreys (mum' freez) - n. (a useless sniglet) Those strange extra digits you find on push-button phones.

Musquirt (mus' kwirt) - n. The water that comes out of the initial squirts of a squeeze mustard bottle.

Mustation--a person who should always have a mustache

Mustgo - n. Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project.

Napression Marks (n): Those indentation lines on your face created by your bedding when you when you wake up.

Narcolepulacy (nar ko lep' ul ah see) - n. The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn.

Negatile (neh' guh tyl) - n. An area of the bathroom floor where, somehow, the scale registers you five pounds lighter.

Neoice (nee oh ice') - n. Any ice cube removed before its time that upon close examination, resembles a carpenter's level.

Nerb n. a noun used as a verb. For example: They didn't language the proclamation very well. nerb, nerbing, nerbed v. the act of using nouns as verbs in a sentence.

Netsec - n. A Unit of time used in indicating work time lost due to reading net.jokes

Neutron Peas (new' tron peez) - n. Tiny green objects in TV dinners that remain frozen even when the rest of the food has been microwaved beyond recognition.

Nevitts (nev' itz) - n. The sandpaper-like deposits on a cat's tongue.

Newswafer - an old newspaper that stays on a drive way so long that cars drive over it and turn it into a flattened pile of pulp.  The only way to pick it up is with a snow shovel.

Nicometeor (nik oh mee' tee awr) - n. A cigarette that exits though a car's front window and reenters through the back.

Nifleck (nih' flek) - n. The unmarked domino in the set.

Niz (niz) - n. An annoying hair at the top of a movie screen.

Nizzlebrill (nih' zuhl bril) - n. The "night-day" switch on a rearview mirror.

Nocturnuggets (nok' ter nuh gitz) - n. Deposits found in one's eye upon awakening in the morning, also called: GOZZAGAREENA, OPTIGOOK, EYEHOCKEY, etc.

Nugloo (nug' lew) - n. Single continuous eyebrow that covers the entire forehead. Also known as a Unibrow.

Numismatist: N.  A person with the uncanny ability to get others to voluntarily give them money.

Ocrapment- n. The attachment that you send with the second email after being informed that you failed to attach it to your first email.

Omnibiblious - adj. Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. I'm omnibiblious."

Oopzama (ewp' za muh) - n. Sudden scratching of scalp or face upon realization that the person you were waving at isn't who you thought it was.

Opling (op' pling) - n. The act, when feeding a baby, of opening and closing one's mouth, smacking one's lips and making "yummy" noises, in the hope that baby will do the same.

Optortionist (op tor' shun ist) - n. The kid in school who can turn his eyelids inside out.

Oreosis (awr ee oh' sis) - n. The practice of eating the cream center of an Oreo before eating the cookie outsides.

Orogami (or oh ga' mee) - n. The miraculous folding process that allows Kleenexes to methodically emerge from the box one ate a time.

Orosuctuous (or oh suk' chew us) - adj. Being able to hold a glass to one's face by sheer lung power.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Otisosis (oh tis oh' sis) - n. The inability to meet anyone else's eyes in an elevator.

P-spot (pee' spaht) - n. The area directly above the urinal in public restrooms that men stare at, knowing a glance in any other direction would arouse suspicion.

Pajangle (pah jan' gul) - n. Condition of waking up with your pajamas turned 180 degrees.

Passholes - definition, People that pass you while driving then pull in front of you and then slow down (slower than you were driving)

Pedexpression (ped ehx presh' shun) - n. The helpless look on the face of one's pet, that is being played with by rowdy children, as if to say "help!"

Pediquerey (pehd' eh kweer ee) - n. The continuation of one's child to ask "why?" no matter what the answer to the last "why?", commonly asked about a subject that does not matter.

Pediddel - n. A car with only one working headlight.

Pelutho - n. A South American ball game. The balls are whacked against a brick wall with a stout wooden bat until the prisoner confesses.

Penciventilation (pen si ven ti lay' shun) - n. The act of blowing on the tip of a pencil after sharpening it.

Pepperlonely...the piece of pepperoni left on the cardboard when you pick up a piece of pizza.

Perkuburp (n): the burb that a percolator (now archaic) makes when it's finished.

Permapression (pur' muh preh shun) - n. The discovery that there is no real difference in the various cycles of your washing machine.

Petonic (peh ton' ik) - adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

Petribar - n. Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine too long.

Petrool (pet' rul) - n. The slow, seemingly endless strand of motor oil at the end of the can.

Pewtone (pyu tone') - n. (chemical symbol: Pu) A major atmospheric component of towns with paper mills.

Phantom Shiftosis Syndrome (or PSS): that brief moment of confusion experienced when one reaches for the gearshift lever in the wrong place when driving somebody else's car

Philopologist (fil ah pahl' ah jist) - n. A specialist who loads people onto amusement rides.

Phistel (fis' tul) - n. The brake pedal on the passenger side of the car that you wish existed when you're riding with a lunatic.

Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) - n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Phosflink - v. To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that will bring it back to life).

Photoyokel (fo to yo' kul) - n. A person who presses the wrong button on a film camera causing it to dismantle.

Phozzle (fo' zul) - n. The buildup of dust on a record needle.

Picklettulance (pik ul et' yu lans) - n. The ability to remember the entire family's order at a fast-food restaurant.

Pielibrium (pu lih' bree uhm) - n. The point at which the crust on a wedge of pie outweighs the filling and tips it over. -Rick Bamford

Piepushers (py' puh shurz) - n. Attendants at fast-food restaurants who, no matter what you order, try to unload apple or cherry turnovers on you.

Piewagon (py' wa gun) - n. The small vehicle that carries games pieces around a Trivial Pursuit board.

Pifflesquit (pif' ul skwit) - n. The wire net surrounding the cork of a champagne bottle.

Pigslice (pig' slys) - n. The last unclaimed piece of pizza that everyone is secretly dying for.

Pillsburglar (pilz' berg ler) - n. Person able to sample the icing on a new cake without leaving a fingerprint.

PIYAN (pi' an) - n. (acronym: "Plus If You Act Now") Any miscellaneous item thrown in on a late night television ad.

Polarind (poh' luh rynd) - n. The peeling on a polaroid snapshot.

Postalports (poh' stul pawrtz) - n. The annoying windows in envelopes that never line up with the address.

Prema-cheerio or Toodle-oops - n. The uncomfortable silence shared by two people after they've said good-bye to each other and continue to walk together out of necessity. (Scott Ellis)

Premail (pree' mayl) - n. Mail that is placed behind the visor in the car and left for several months before it is finally sent.

Premature Elevacuation: The act of stepping off of the elevator as soon as it stops Ö but then realizing itís not at your floor yet.

Prestofrigeration: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

Pretzaline (pret sah leen') - n. The salt deposit at the bottom of a bag of pretzels.

Primpo (prim' po) - n. A person who passes a mirror then has to step back, presumably to reassure himself he still exists.

Proximipee: the closer you get to the bathroom, the worse you have to go. (axiom: the need to pee increases exponentially versus the rate at which the distance to the bathroom diminishes.)

Pulpid (puhl' pid) - n. A kid who enjoys the carton more than the item that came in it.

Puntificate (puhn tih' fih kayt) - v. To try to predict in what direction a football will bounce.

Pupkus (pup' kus) - n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Purpitation - v. To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you don't want it, and then put it in another section.

Queery n. A question to ascertain one's sexual orientation.

Redumbdunce n.  An obviously stupid statement. ie: C O L D morning- when it's really cold out there.

Reled (ree led') - v. To reset all the digital clocks in the household following a power failure.

Rehomeulate -  The act of being released from the hospital to go home. 

Retrocarbonic (ret ro kar bon' ik) - n. Any drink machine that dispenses the soda before the cup.

Rignition (rig ni' shun) - n. The embarrassing action of trying to start one's car with the engine already running.

Roebinks (roh' binks) - n. Those mysterious chimes you always hear in department stores.

Rovalert (ro' val urt) - n. The system whereby one dog can quickly establish an entire neighborhood network of barking.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Sark (sark) - n. The marks left on one's ankle after wearing tube socks all day.

Scribblics (skrih' bliks) - n. Warm-up exercises designed to get the ink in a pen flowing.

Scribline - n. The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.

Shelfie (n) - the leftover buy-one-get-one-free item

Shirmers - n., pl. Tall young men who stand around smiling at weddings as if to suggest that they know the bride rather well.

SHMIDDLE: noun The hole in the center of a bagel. "The cream cheese was oozing out from the shmiddle."

Shocklet (shahk' lit) - n. The seldom-used third hole on an electrical outlet.

Shoefly (shew' fliy) - n. The aeronautical terminology for a football player who misses the punt and launches his shoe instead.

Shrennen: Paper or otherwise fallen debris, that appears after revelers at  the St. Patrick's Day parade.

Shuzma (shuhz' muh) - n. The portion of window cleaner that the spray tube can no longer reach.

Sirlines (sir' lines) - n. The lines on a grilled steak.

Slackjam (slak' jam) - n. The condition of being trapped in one's own trousers while trying to pull them on without first removing shoes.

Slopweaver (lsahp' wee vuhr) - n. Someone who has mastered the art of repositioning the food on his plate to give the appearance of having consumed a good portion of it.

Slottery and Vendication (slot' er ee and ven' di kay shun) - n. A public misdemeanor in which a person gambles on a vending machine, loses, and tries to exact revenge by kicking it.

Slurch (slerch) - n. The combination "ouch" and slurping noise one makes when eyeing someone else's bad sunburn.

Slurm - n. The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.

Snackage - to describe all types of snacks available

Snackmosphere (snak' moh sfeer) - n. The empty but explosive layer of air at the top of a potato chip bag.

Snacktrek - n. The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

Snargle (snar' gul) - v. To lessen the visual impact of a horror movie by filtering it through one's fingers.

Sniglet (snig'lit) - n. Any word that doesn't appear in the dictionary, but should.

Snigletologists-people who have nothing better to do than sit around
thinking up sniglets

Snough- Sneezing and coughing at the same time.

Snuggage (snuh 'gaj) - n. The act of retying both shoestrings when only one needed it.

Sofuse n. The coins, combs, bobby pins and other detritus that is discovered in the corners under the seat cushions of a sofa, davenport or settee.

Solichair- where a child who was caught misbehaving is made to sit

Somnambapologist (som nam ba pol' uh jist) - n. Person too polite to admit he was sleeping even when awakened at three in the morning.

Spagellum (spa gel' um) - n. The loose strand on each forkful of spaghetti that beats one about the chin and whiskers.

Spagmumps - n. Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.

Speclums (spek' lums) - n. The miniscule bumps on a strawberry.

Speraws (sper' awz) - n. The pinched marks on the ends of hot dogs.

Spirobits - n. The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook.

Spirtle - n. The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye.

Spood (spewd) - n. Flat wooden "spoon" that accompanies ice cream cups.

Sprout Lines (sprowt lynz) - n. Visible lines at the bottom of trouser legs where the hems have been let down.

Spudrubble (spud' rubb uhl) - n. Unclaimed french fries at the bottom of a fastfood bag.

Squaffles (skwa' felz) - n. The individual squares comprising a waffle.

Squalkeenus (skwal ke' nus) - n. The shock syndrome that comes from biting into a popsicle with one's front teeth.

Squanderprint (skwan' duhr print) - n. Directions that try to make you use up a product faster than you normally would. (Ex.: Apply shampoo. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.)

Squatcho (skwatch' oh) - n. (another useless sniglet) The button at the top of a baseball cap.

Squatic Diversion (skwa' tik dy vur' zhun) - n. Any pretended activity that commands a dog owner's attention while the dog relieves itself on a neighbor's lawn.

Squigger (skiwg' uhr) - n. A cherry tomato that explodes upon contact with a fork.

sticsin - the last raisin that sticks to the bottom of the box.

Stroodle (stru' dul) - n. The annoying strand of cheese stretching from a slice of hot pizza to one's mouth.

Subnougate (sub new' get) - v. To eat the bottom caramels in a candy box and carefully replace the top level, hoping no one will notice.

Swaznia (swaz' nuh) - n. The thin, disgusting membrane that connects the bottom of the tongue to the top of the jaw, presumably to hold it in place.

Table Snorkeling (tay' bul snawrk' ling) - n. Frantic gesticulations when one bites into hot food and has to take in air to cool it off.

Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay' shun) - n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Telepression - n. The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try hard enough to "look up the number on your own" and instead put the burden on the directory assistant.

Telletiquette (tel et' ih ket) - n. The polite distance kept by one person behind another at an automatic teller machine (so as not to be suspected of trying to glimpse that person's secret code).

tepidacious (tep-i-da-shus): the act of setting the water temperature too cold before you enter the shower to ensure that you don't get burned.

Testlice (test' lys) - n. Those tiny bugs that invade your hair when you're taking an exam.

Thermalophobia (thur muh lo fo' be uh) - n. The fear when showering that someone will sneak in, flush the toilet, and scald you to death.

Thinkogasm: A Great Idea.

Thrickle (thri' kel) - n. The itch in the back of the throat which can't be scratched without making disgusting barnyard-type noises.

Tidnab - n. The opposite of a bandit; one who surreptitiously leaves items, as a neighbor who leaves some of his bumper crop of summer squash on your doorstep.

Tilecomet (n): the piece of tolietpaper that clings to your foot after you've left a public restroom

Traficulous - the condition that exists while driving, when you are trying to pull out through an intersection where it is clear to the right but not to the left, then it is clear to the left but not the right then the same over and over again.

Tremblimembination - The feeling you get just before dropping a letting into the mailbox, and you aren't sure if you should mail it or not.

Tricklemicrochips - n. Those little tiny broken pieces of Doritos that seem to trickle to the bottom of the bag or bowl no matter what.

Tunisia - forgetting where you put that last can of tuna fish 

Turfigee and Pedigee (ter' fih jee and ped' ih jee) - n. The two extreme target points of a rotary lawn sprinkler, TURFIGEE being the safest point at which to walk past, PEDIGEE being the most dangerous.

Twinch (twinch) - n. The movement a dog makes with its head when it hears a high-pitched noise.

Uclipse (yew' klips) - n. The dangerous arc into another lane made by drivers just before executing a turn.

Ufluation (yu flu ay' shun) - n. The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

Uhfage (uff' aj) - n. The unit for determining a television's age, that is, the amount of time it takes for the picture to appear once the set has been turned on.

Umbrace (uhm' brays) - n. The small strap that holds an umbrella in place.

Upuls (yu' puls) - n. The blank pages at the beginning and end of books, presumably placed there so you can rewrite the ending.

Vacation Elbow (vay kay' shun el' bo) - n. A condition that suddenly develops in a father's arm during a vacation trip that allowed him to reach out and slap you from incredible distances.

Vegiludes - n. Individual peas or kernels of corn that you end up chasing all over the plate with your fork.

Voitlock (voyt' lok) - n. When the basketball gets lodged between the rim and the backboard.

Waftic (wahf' tik) - adj. Describes any person in whose direction campfire or barbeque smoke always blows.

Warbloid (war' bloyd) - n. The tiny device in cassette players that eats tapes.

Waterpuss (wa' ter puss)a feline that is fond of water. - Robyn, age 10

Wattbobble (wat' bah bul) - v. To remove a hot light bulb by turning it several seconds, letting your fingers cool, then repeating the process. This is generally followed by the glorious revelation of using your shirttail.

waxident (wax-i-dent): when a dripping candle leaves a waxy residue on the table.

Werxilation (wurks ul ay' shun) - n. The property of some screen doors to start to slam shut only to catch themselves at the last moment and "float" to a gentle close.

Woowad (wew' wad) - n. Giant clumps of stuck-together rice served at Chinese restaurants.

Yardribbons (yard rib' onz) - n. The unmowed patches of grass discovered after one has put away the mower.

Yinkel - n. A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice.

Yotate (yoh' tayt) - v. To allow a yo-yo to unwind itself.

Zeept (zeept) - n. The accumulation of dead insects around an electric bug fryer.

Zerblot (zur' blaht) - n. The last kid picked in any neighborhood sporting event.

Zipcuffed (zip' cuft) - v. To be trapped in one's trousers by a faulty zipper.

(alphabetized by Tim McCoy)

* A sniglet is a word that should be in the dictionary but isn't. Sniglets are the brainchild of comedian Rich Hall who, with a little help from his friends, wrote a series of books containing sniglets in the mid-eighties. While Rich Hall invented the word "sniglet" itself, sniglets are actually a long-running popular joke in which people make up their own humorous words to define things or concepts that have no "official" definitions. More information can be found at: