Bert Christensen's
Truth & Humour Collection

A Metric Romance

by Louise Ripley
He adored her. She had a classic shape, a 91.44 Ė 60.96 - 91.44 centimetre body. But it wasnít only her physical appearance; she loved cars, sports, all his favourite movies. On their first date, he took her to a football game where they had seats on the 45.72 meter line, shared a few 1.126 litres of beer, and ate 30.48 centimetre long hot dogs. Afterwards they went to see Jules Verneís classic film, 111,111.107 Kilometres Under the Sea.

Leaving the theatre, she asked if sometime he might like to see her favourite movie, Mary Poppins. Turned out it was one of his favourites too. Shyly he admitted, "I love it when she sings, Ď4.929 millilitres of sugar helps the medicine go down.í" She smiled warmly, pleased. "Aw, gee, I love your smile," he said. "Iíd walk 1,609,347.042 kilometres for one of your smiles." They made plans to see Mary Poppins, and also Godís Little 0.405 Hectare.

He drove her home in his red Mustang. "Oooooh," she crooned, "I love its power, and its shiny finish." "Itís got a 186.5 kilowatt engine," he explained, "and every 2.54 centimetres of it is hand polished. Iíve also got it rust protected and shine coated; Iíve always believed that 28.353 grams of prevention is worth 0.454 kilograms of cure." "It must have cost a fortune," she exclaimed. "It wasnít that bad, and besides, sometimes you have to live for now. Once they bury you 1.829 metres under, you canít enjoy much of life."

They took the long way home, driving many kilometres out past town, and although he was friendly and warm, he never did anything improper. "I like you," she said, "You move slow. Most guys, give Ďem 2.54 centimetres, theyíll take 1.609 kilometres." "Well," he suggested, "donít criticize a man till youíve walked 1.609 kilometres in his shoes. I can see why a guy might move fast with you; you are a beauty." "Gee, Iíve never thought of myself as beautiful." "Of course you are! You mustnít hide your light under a 0.352 hectolitre; youíre an attractive woman...."

M. Louise Ripley, Fall 1992