Bert Christensen's
Truth & Humour Collection
Bull at a Desk

Alternate Words & Letters
The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.
The following were some of the winning entries:
  1. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
  2. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  3. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
  4. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
  5. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie
  6. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp
  7. Gargoyle (n.), an olive flavoured mouthwash
  8. Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver
  9. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon
  10. Flatulence (n.), an emergency vehicle that picks you up if you've been run over by a steamroller
  11. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline
  12. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam
  13. Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood
  14. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
  15. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions
  16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
  17. Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there
The Washington Posts Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:
  1. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it
  2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex
  4. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.
  5. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
  6. Karmageddon: End of the world due to a build up of bad-vibes
  7. Glibido: All talk and no action.
  8. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  9. Intaxication: Euphoria at receiving a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
  10. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.