Polar Bears
Bert Christensen's
Truth & Humour Collection
Woman in Kitchen

Top 10 Signs You Are Being
Stalked By Martha Stewart

10) You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of magazines with scalloped pinking shears, and they're all the the same size and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9) That tell-tale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

8) On her show, she makes a gingerbread house that looks EXACTLY like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the half-open, graham-cracker garage door.

7) You come home to find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose-petal and saffron demiglace, with pecan-crusted hearts-of-palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6) The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

5) You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been
folded into a swan.

4) No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an
oyster fork.

3) You find that your prized red savina plant has been stripped,the fruit hollowed-out and used to create a "spicy and festive holiday feel in your home" by capping Christmas tree lights with them, and then hanging the strings about the mantle and on your hand-made wreaths.

2) You wake up in the hospital with a concussion, and to your horror find yourself rubbed-down with sweet creamery butter and kosher salt with endive stuffing in every orifice.

1) Twice a week you're the victim of a drive-by doilying.